I should have warned you of that in the last post. But I didn't know for sure what comes after destruction. Now I do. Lessons are daggers - sudden and implacable.
Beware, because other people also have their own sledgehammers... and they may be getting ready to deliver a horrible blow. Not because they are evil, nor because they want you to be miserable. But because they have their own Towers to bring down.
Beware, because other people also have their own sledgehammers... and they may be getting ready to deliver a horrible blow. Not because they are evil, nor because they want you to be miserable. But because they have their own Towers to bring down.
That's what happened to me. I tentatively knocked one brick out of place and all came crumbling down right on my head. The other side had used their own sledgehammer, quite unexpectedly.
We don't build our Towers alone, so I suppose we don't get to destroy them alone either. If we are not the force hitting the bricks, we are the secret acid corroding the structural steel frame.
I have spent the last three days in utter despair, crying all the time, barely eating, looking around me and wondering if I'll ever feel like myself again. Today I could cry no more. No tears would fall, no sob would rise to my throat. My words sound calm because my mind and body are exhausted from the chaos... in my core, I am still an open wound.
But I am not ready to leave the wreckage yet. I have things to find here - pieces of me. If I go now, if I deny this, all my suffering will have been in vain. Marina is still missing amongst the debris, and I must find what is left of her. What is true.
Keep this in mind when you decide to use that sledgehammer: there's a huge pain that follows the blow. A lot of negative thoughts and self-blame, in a torrent of lost dreams. A lot debris. So think carefully.
That said, remember: we can all survive this. We will lay down and cry for three days straight, but on the fourth day we will get up again and walk. Even if it's painful. Even if it's meaningless. We will walk. And we will heal.
And someday the greenery will cover the collapse zone once more.
Hey Lovey... What the heck happened?
ReplyDeleteI was four years finding my way out of my last tower event, and it was only about 1/2 way through that in retrospect, I could even identify it as tower.
Sending you all the healing thoughts possible, Sharyn
towers still on my mind a lot lately too.
ReplyDeletei hope you're ok, and start feeling better soon. you'll get through this.
Oh dear.
ReplyDeleteSounds painful. :(
I'm sure you're strong and can deal with it, but boy. I wish you didn't have to!
Lots of hugs and healing,
MM
I wonder how many Towers we can take in one lifetime. I'm sorry you're going through this, Marina. Remember though, it's not just the Tower. It's also the Wheel. And you'll ride back to the top again. Just keep hanging on. xx I've been around the Wheel lots of times in my life. But only once I guess has there been a Tower experience. I've been drawing the Tower a lot lately, and just today, I drew both Wheel and Tower. So.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs!
I almost called you sweetie, but I don't know you that well. <3
ReplyDeleteI had another sledgehammer time of it myself, when I thought I was doing much better. I remember thinking that I needed to break my way out, but not in the way that I have over the past few years.
Hugs to you. I hope that it clears for you soon.
Marina, sending you a virtual hug. Tower moments are a real battle when you're still sifting through the debris. I hope you find your feet again soon.
ReplyDeleteI am sending you lots of love and light and blessings. It can be very hard going through change... but you must learn to dance in the dark. I think that it's brave to be with your pain for a moment and then to search through the wreckage... many people close their eyes and walk away... trying to fool them selves into believe that nothing has ever happened. Be brave... you are on the right path
ReplyDeletealways,
Shaheen