Yesterday a sadness mixed with despair hit me all of a sudden. I started crying again... my mother got rather miffed at the fact I don't seem to forget fast enough, and left the room. I was alone, and also terribly lonely because I feel like I burden others whenever I express my sadness. I suppose I ought to exercise my quiet dignity with greater effort.
In my desperation, I wanted to find a way to get in touch with that person again. I was sure that if only we could see each other again, talk again, we'd be able to recreate what we had. My Hudes Tarot was sitting beside me so I pulled it from its bag and asked what was the best way to proceed if I wished an opportunity to reunite with him. My answer was the Page of Pentacles.
I really like how Leah Samul (who wrote a book inspired on the Hudes Tarot, called Wisdom in the Cards) deals with the Court Cards. I always had a problem in memorising the characteristics attributed to these cards, but the way Samul related the element of the Court with the element of the Suit is much more intuitive to me. According to her, the Page of Pentacles is the Earth of Earth - the Page is completely in his element in the suit of Pentacles.
Earth is a slow a element - it's the one that takes the longest to change, and also the one in which changes are more profound. You cannot recover the parts of the mountain that were eroded...only tectonic movements can make the mountain become higher again, but that is also a slow process. And though erosion and continental drift take thousands of years to make themselves noticed, their effects are absolute on the landscape.
Basically the message of the Page was the message I always get: don't do anything. Don't move, don't force life, let things unfold in their own speed. Give time some time. Take care of your practical affairs and of your body. *sigh* I am so tired of getting this message, to be honest, even if it makes sense. For someone action-oriented like me, this is sheer torture.
So, here I am. Not happier nor any wiser, and trying to master the art of waiting. The truth is that I only feel some hope when I am doing something.... for me waiting feels like giving up, feels like dying. But apparently, it's what I must do.
Yesterday I prayed, even though I am not sure if there's anyone out there listening. I was seeking some reassurance. I desperately want to believe that there's a higher purpose behind all this...
“Paradise was from the first intended to be swallowed by the darkness.” ~ Anaïs Nin (in 'Stella')
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