Following His tracks in dreams...

I'm the wild bird that won't be tamed
The desire that you don't need to name
I'm the branch that becomes the flame
When the fire's done burning, I remain. 
-- Starhawk (The God Song)

I had a strange dream last weekend. A supernatural dream. I was living alone in a forest with my parents (who weren't my real life parents)... we lived in a hut, completely isolated from the rest of the world. Then one day, a man came and simply killed my parents with an ax. I knew this man lived close by, and I kept expecting him to return and finish his job. It seemed I didn't have much left to lose anyways. But he only returned during a full moon night, in which he unceremoniously broke down the door and marched into my ramshackle bedroom.

He seemed to be a lumberjack, but something about his face showed me he wasn't quite human. His hair was long and in disarray, his clothes were dirty and his eyes, wild. He was completely silent all the time.

I laid quietly on my bed, waiting for him to kill me. Instead he jumped on me and began to bite my neck (no, he wasn't a vampire). It seemed he wanted to turn me into a creature similar to him - he wanted me to be his consort. He had sex with me and then left. When I woke up next morning, I realized I had indeed become something like him... My eyes were wild. I was immortal, and like him I had the power to kill.

But he had given me another power too - the power to heal. At some point in my dream I met one my mother's friend, and she looked as if someone had tried to beat her to death. I sat by her and with my hands, I began to heal her wounds.

I didn't meet the man again... I could feel when he was near and sometimes I caught a glimpse of him, but he did not belong to me. Nor I to him.

PCO: Healing doesn't happen overnight

This reading was done for a person I know... lets call her D.M. She is a 50 years old woman, divorced, who recently broke up with a younger man she had been dating for almost an year. The young man is married, and despite the fact he said his marriage is not a happy one, he never left his wife, which was what made D.M. decide to break their relationship.

First D.M focused on other problems, in order to not focus so much on the emotions that this separation arose. But now mourning is beginning to catch up with her, and she has asked the cards when she'll begin to feel better again. "I am 50 years old... I feel that nothing more will happen in my life right now. I don't feel sad, but I feel disappointed with life."

I did the Cat Spread for her, in order to be able to give a more or less precise 'timing'. Before the "cat card" there were 7 piles of 4 cards, so the date I got was between mid-November and the beginning of December. I always allow about two weeks of leeway because I believe the manifestation of the cards is not a single event, but a continuous development that needs to be observed over a period of time.

Below are the two readings I did for D.M.

The Wheel of the Year: A Wildwood Mandala

I have been enjoying using the Wildwood. I confess I haven't been using it for readings yet, but I like going through the cards and trying to understand them. I am trying to accept the symbolism given by the cards as they are, instead of instantly trying to make a parallel to the RWS structure. It's hard not to, but if I am to truly understand this deck, then I must do some effort to respect its view and its universe instead of cramming my own preconceived ideas into it.

This deck intends to be a reflection of the Wheel of the Year. Again, some parts of it I don't understand, because I am more used to the typical 'pagan' archetypes, and the Wildwood works with something that is prior to it. For instance, I usually see the Green Man as the Holly King, the God that sacrifices himself to sustain his children, earth and all her creatures. In the Wildwood, he appears as the Emperor and as an archetype of the Midsummer, and his fertile side is emphasized. Both views can actually work together, but it requires an expansion of my own vision of this deity.

I also miss the archetype of Cernunnos in this deck. I am sure he's there in the deck (there's plenty of horned figures in it), I just haven't been able to locate him yet. The Wildwood forces me to leave my symbolic comfort zone, to to speak, and to explore different aspects of archetypes I thought I understood.

(Just to clarify: I tend to work with deities as symbols related to nature and its cycles, not as supernatural beings to worship. That said, I respect those who view them under a more religious light.)

And I miss the owls. There isn't a single owl in this deck. *snif* The only reference is the Seer [High Priestess], whi wears a cape made of owl feathers... and I personally LOVE this card!

Because the Wildwood is so connected to the Wheel of Year, the cycle of the seasons, I decided to actually do a mandala with the cards, following the guidelines given by the companion book. I hoped this would help me to understand the unique structure of the deck. Below is a picture of my final work. I apologize because the picture does the mandala no justice - it was very colorful and harmonic under the morning light, but the camera failed to capture that.

Right-click and open it in a new window to see full-size!

The wheel begins at the bottom, with the cards related to Midwinter, and then it goes up anti-clockwise, passing through Imbolc, the Spring Equinox, Beltane, Midsummer, Lammas, Autumn Equinox, Samhain and back to the Midwinter. The book uses the Northern Hemisphere seasons when explaining the wheel, but the cards themselves have no notations specifying calendar dates, so it works even with the differences seen in the Southern Hemisphere.

I liked how The Hooden Man [The Hermit] and The Great Bear [Judgment] are in the Midwinter part of the wheel, because both card represent going into the dark for a while and then being reborn, which is my very idea of this season. Also, I was pleased to see the Balance [Temperance] card accompanying the Forest Lovers in the Beltane season, because for me the Temperance is a card of sex in certain contexts. Not the instinctive impulse or lust, represented by the Guardian [The Devil], but rather the mingling and balancing of polarities.

I cannot say I have come to fully understand of the Wildwood language, but I feel that I am slowly opening to the knowledge its offering. I just need to let go of certain prejudices and pet peeves.


The Wildwood Tarot © Eddison-Sadd Editions & Will Worthington

Interview with the Wildwood Tarot

I received a trimmed version of the Wildwood Tarot last year, in a trade with Carla of Rowan Tarot. I had no expectations about this deck, I only knew it was illustrated by Will Worthington (who is a superb artist) and that it drew inspiration from the pre-Celtic mythology and shamanism. I had no idea it was meant to be a remake of the much-desired Greenwood Tarot either, so the first time I saw the cards I approached them with very unbiased eyes. And I like them, although the symbolism of some cards were rather unfamiliar and strange to me.

As I liked the deck, I found myself moving on to other oracles and forgetting about it for a while. But recently, my desire to reconnect to certain natural cycles made me seek the Wildwood once more, specially because of its unique connection to the Wheel of the Year. To start my work with it, I decided to do a brief interview.

I confess I find the symbolism of this deck a bit mind-boggling, because I am so used to the RWS structure. This deck deviates from it in many ways. But a challenge is always good!

The silence of the winter huntress

Since the last full moon, something has changed inside me. A sudden halt in that nervous clockwork in my head. I can't quite explain. If you believe in the power of rituals, I can say that my full moon ritual (which wasn't by any means huge or complex) did help me to find some release from that pain and hopelessness I felt. I had an objective in mind when I did it, but fate writes straight with crooked lines, does it not?

I suspect my goals will reach me in the more unexpected ways. And this sudden absence of that acute suffering is one of them.

It is not to say that I am suddenly all chirpy and passionate about life. Not  yet. In fact, I found that Artemis' message to me turned out to be quite true. I have been living in a very physical level... I know that amongst the spiritual folk this isn't a very good thing. But that's how I am right now... I eat, I sleep, I exercise. I listen to music and feel it within my bones. I come to work and somehow my mind doesn't rebel against my rather shallow activity. I adorn my body for the coming day like the Indians, who paint themselves and wear feathers when doing rituals or hunting. It's a way to evoke something, a power I do not fully understand yet.

And I do all that for no one else but myself.

Somehow I feel like I have reached a strange level of mental and emotional simplicity. I feel close to the animals and their present-focused minds.

And that's why my divination practice has become slow during the last couple of weeks. I haven't had many sitters to read for, and I do not have any questions for myself. Divination makes you slide between past, present and future; helps you to pull aside the veils of time, the veils of this mysterious universe, and see what otherwise you could not see. And due to my current state of mind I have been unwilling to read for myself. I have no curiosity about the future, nor any desire to analyse the past. However, I do have a strong urge to live and understand my present. This moment which is making a shapeshifter out of me.

It may be a good time for me to start reading for others with greater regularity, if I am to keep my card-reading practice alive and interesting.

I don't think I have fully connected yet with the Earthly element. I still have a lot to explore in this wilderness. A lot to rediscover. Some hunting to do. But I am pretty sure I have left the debris behind - I have finally taken a step ahead in my healing journey.

And now... the forest calls.

"I have come to...  
The unfathomable deep 
Forest where all must lose 
Their way, however straight, 
Or winding, soon or late..."
-- Edward Thomas



Art: Diana © Susan Seddon Boulet

PCO: ...and that's why I did not go.

This reading was done on Monday, May 7th.

The situation was: in a couple days there'll be an international conference about digital books in another city. This time my company will not pay for it (as they did last year), so I am considering using some of my economies to go. Because it's so close to deadline of the inscriptions, I'll probably pay more for the flying tickets, hotel and the inscription itself than if I had done it earlier... I always save money, but I'm far from wealthy and such a sudden expense is never good. However, if I want, I can do it.

Why did I wait so long? The company only confirmed me that they were not going to fund my trip to the conference last week, although I have been asking them about it for a month at least. Furthermore, they have decided ebooks are not giving us much money right now... we ought to keep doing them, but not make huge investments, and the conference is a bit expensive... so no, they don't think it's necessary for me to go.

But I make ebooks. It's one of my functions here. And it's also one of my trades. Something I could offer to other people, other companies. Yes, this conference interests me very much. However, I am aware of the mental and financial strain a sudden decision can cause me. So I wonder if it's a wise decision in the end...

I consulted the cards.

The question was: what do I need to know about suddenly going to the conference?

The 7♠, Sword of Destruction, glares at me. But I try to not base my whole interpretation on one card. So I move to the Foot, where we have the 8♦. It's a good card for business. It tells me that, regarding my work, it might be an important experience, I'll learn the newest information about what I do - ebooks - and be with people who know about it. Through them I'll expand my views. With the 3♦ above it, signaling growth, it seems sure that going is the best option, professionally speaking.

But the spread is more than two cards, so lets move up. The Sword of Destruction demands my attention, but I focus on the 5♣ instead. The Wind Cape. A card of mental chaos, confusion. Surrounded by friendly cards, it can represent an influx of new ideas.

But we have the sword beneath and it's usually not friendly.
And that's why I decided not to go.

What!? You gotta be kidding me! Nope. First, the Sword of Destruction really caused a great impression on me... by going, I'd probably disturb something I am not sure I'm ready to change yet. My stability in my job. Perhaps I'll use my own sword on it, in the future, but right now I don't have the emotional conditions to do so.

Besides - look at the spread! The chaos that this sudden decision would cause inside my mind (because I am anal-retentive and don't deal well with sudden decisions - I like to plan) would destroy my enjoyment of the conference. See the Sword? The 5♣ holds the hilt. The blade points to the Diamonds cards. The 3♦ is reversed... the cup is upside down, spilling its contents, and the Cauda Draconis is a herald for endings and problems. I am not ready for either.

And the jolly Diamonds? They could pretty much represent the amount of money I'd spend, which may not equal the amount enjoyment I'd have under such stress. Had a more positive card been in the Throat position - the position that connects everything - my interpretation might have been different.

And that's why I decided not to go. Next year, if I'm still here, still working with ebooks, I'll plan ahead. Save money, buy things early, do it my way. I'll not wait for the company. And should the Sword of Destruction appear again, I hope I am readier to handle it.


The Playing Card Oracles © Ana Cortez & C.J. Freeman

Oracle of the Shapeshifters: the lesson sinks in

Last Saturday was full moon night... and what a beautiful moon we had. Though I no longer celebrate Full Moon Esbats formally, I like to do my own personal rituals in such nights. I find that observing the Lunar cycles helps me to regain focus and strength... things I have been needing more than ever.

I do not have a formal altar but I always keep a candle, incense and a bunch of owl figures on the top of my bookshelf. I also keep a picture Anaïs Nin there, and my witches runes. Why Anaïs Nin? Well, for me she represents the mysteries of the night and the unconscious... I consider her to be my guide into these mysteries. And I relate much more to her than to any pagan goddess out there (no offense intended to any pagans, by the way).

I did a small ritual and, after that, I decided to pull a card. Strangely I did not feel drawn to any of my usual decks... instead I walked to my bedside table and retrieved the Oracle of the Shapeshifters from the drawer. I shuffled the deck and picked a very interesting card: Artemis of the Forest.

This card is all about independence and going 'back to basics' so to speak. Artemis asks me to become a huntress for a while... stay close to nature, focus on the most earthly needs like food, exercise and sleep and learn what it takes to survive. It's time to leave psychological and emotional complexities behind.

"This is a time for you to go within, into some kind of wilderness and wild place, whether this place is within you, or one that exists in the world. It is time for you to become self-reliant, quiet, stealthy, aware. You must take your place as a being who can survive, and who can support themselves. You may see this as a test or hardship, but it is a great moment of coming into your own power."

Hudes Tarot: The Art of Waiting

May started badly, under the sign of self-doubt and hopelessness. Well, we are in the Samhain season here, so maybe this is why I can't relate to the bright vernal emotions that my Northern Hemisphere friends express in their Facebook pages. Instead I have been thinking a lot about death, about what it means to die, and I don't know if it's good.

Yesterday a sadness mixed with despair hit me all of a sudden. I started crying again... my mother got pissed at the fact I don't forget fast enough, and left the room. I was alone, and also terribly lonely because I feel like I burden others whenever I express my sadness. I suppose I ought to exercise my quiet dignity with greater effort.

In my desperation, I wanted to find a way to get in touch with that person again. I was sure that if only we could see each other again, talk again, we'd be able to recreate what we had. My Hudes Tarot was sitting beside me so I pulled it from its bag and asked what was the best way to proceed if I wished an opportunity to reunite with him. My answer was the Page of Pentacles.

I really like how Leah Samul (who wrote a book inspired on the Hudes Tarot, called Wisdom in the Cards) deals with the Court Cards. I always had a problem in memorizing the characteristics attributed to these cards, but the way Samul related the element of the Court with the element of the Suit is much more intuitive to me. According to her, the Page of Pentacles is the Earth of Earth - the Page is completely in his element in the suit of Pentacles.

Earth is a slow a element - it's the one that takes the longest to change, and also the one in which changes are more profound. You cannot recover the parts of the mountain that were eroded...only tectonic movements can make the mountain become higher again, but that is also a slow process. And though erosion and continental drift take thousands of years to make themselves noticed, their effects are absolute on the landscape.

Basically the message of the Page was the message I always get: don't do anything. Don't move, don't force life, let things unfold in their own speed. Give time some time. Take care of your practical affairs and of your body. *sigh* I am so tired of getting this message, to be honest, even if it makes sense. For someone action-oriented like me, this is sheer torture.

So, here I am. Not happier nor any wiser, and trying to master the art of waiting. The truth is that I only feel some hope when I am doing something.... for me waiting feels like giving up, feels like dying. But apparently, it's what I must do.

Yesterday I prayed, even though I am not sure if there's anyone out there listening. I was seeking some reassurance. I desperately want to believe that there's a higher purpose behind all this...

“Paradise was from the first intended to be swallowed by the darkness.” ~ Anaïs Nin (in 'Stella')

 Hudes Tarot © US Games Systems, Inc.

Enchanted Oracle: a reading for May

May has become a difficult month for me. Last year, in this same month, I found paradise on Earth. And now...

Yesterday it was May Day so I didn't have to work. I thought I'd have a light and restful day; instead I found myself crouched against my wardrobe, naked despite the cold weather, crying my eyes out again. A relapse. I thought I was over crying, but memories assault me and, now that I am approaching the anniversary, they are becoming aggressive. Sometimes my brain seems to be stuck on repeat.

I ended up having a rather shitty day, in which I slept and watched TV intermittently in order to keep my mind in a constant void. Echoes can't travel through vacuum. When I felt a bit more centered, I decided to do a reading about the coming month... to see what is leaving, what is coming, and if there's any hope of improvement.

I used the Enchanted Oracle together with a 4-card spread taught in its companion book.

1. What you need to take with you ~ Dark Enchantment
I had a bit of a hard time understanding this first card. It's a card that shows up quite often to me, together with the Dark Queen, and its main message is also warning: don't go there. Whatever you are thinking of doing, whatever shortcuts or detours you are considering... don't. Because it may take you somewhere you don't really want to go. I believe this card relates to my thoughts in the most depressive and hopeless moments... it's telling me to not think about any easy escapes, as attractive as they may seem at the moment. I mustn't nurture empty, dark thoughts. I need to find a new goal, even if just a small one, and let it be my guide.