The thing is that... I feel I need to take a break from blogging. But I would hate to simply leave the blog like a forgotten thing, because I do love this blog, and what I do here. Hence why I am writing this note.
I have been under great pressure, the kind that pushes and pushes and pushes until you have no choice but change or be crushed by its weight. I often feel on the verge of being crushed, but I don't want this. I talked to my father yesterday and he said "we stay under pressure until we are forced to change... or until we give up. Will you give up before even trying?". And the answer is no, I don't want to give up. I want to try. I want to save myself from this swamp.
I deleted a journal I have kept for almost 10 years because I felt a dire need to release myself from the ideas and prejudices I have about myself. As much as the writings were filled with memories and general teenagey silliness, there is no point hanging to a person I no longer am. I haven't been ever since February. I know we cannot erase ourselves and start anew, but I want to at least try new things without carrying a luggage of memories that have already done what they were supposed to do. Now they are just dead weight.
I will not delete this blog, because I plan on writing on it again. But right now I don't feel it can help me, and I don't feel I can help others with my insights. Sadly, writing here has become a way to think about the problems, reflect on them, meditate, analyse, twist and turn and... just that. It has become a self-indulgent prison, one in which I can whine, cosy and comfortable, without doing anything. And I need to act for once in my life. I have done enough thinking. I have spent a quarter of a century thinking.
I need to get out of my head a bit. Disentangle myself from my own web of words and empty philosophies.
I will come back, as soon as I can. When I am feeling more comfortable in my skin again. When I remember how to move, how to crawl, how to walk and perhaps, how to fly. My heartbreak in the beginning of 2012 was just the initial spark of a far greater transformation - a transformation that, granted, has caused me only pain so far. I am going through a moment of "Judgement", if you will. But if I don't deal with it now, it'll be back in two years, five years, ten years... it will not simply disappear. I cannot stick my head in the sand anymore.
So... that's it.
You are free to unfollow this blog or delete it from your blogroll if you dislike inactivity in your reading list. I can say for sure that I will be back, but I may stay away for perhaps a couple of months. I don't know right now. The choice is yours. I am posting this here because I do not want people thinking I have grown out of blogging or reading cards. I have not. I just need a break.
Thank you all who have read my blog all this time, hopefully I'll be a much better company when I come back. :-)
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
And you are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun
~ Time (Pink Floyd)
Rider Waite Tarot © US Games Systems, Inc.